lotusflower | Sticks & Bones // IC Inbox

I was going to find out eventually. Will you stop blaming yourself for stupid shit? There's nothing for you to "make up" to me, and I don't want you to try.

["I don't want to be a problem to you anymore," he says, and Kanda feels like he's just been punched. Dawg he's tired.]

You realise I went to see her for your sake, right? To get to the bottom of it, whether she was lying to you or not? If it was a goddamn problem I wouldn't have bothered going at all. Finding out what I found out was secondary to my intention to beat this woman's ass for lying to you.

[Not that he liked the lead up to it. It was more "find out for both of them" really, but Kanda would also be lying if he said his initial anger wasn't for Allen's sake. He can throw his own issues into a box and drop it into a river 90% of the time.

Just not this one.]

[ Oh, he realizes. It makes it worse, though, not better. “Then stop doing things for me,” is his immediate thought. This will just piss Kanda off. And Allen isn’t… sure that’s what he actually wants to say. It feels like his immediate, defensive, self-destructive mindset he’s been in these past few months. And he’s been trying to pull himself out of it, slowly.

Allen leans against the door. Not like Kanda, but with his full weight against it, and the palms of his hands pressed to it. More akin to being cornered and tired. ]

…When does the dam break, Kanda? Just how much are you willing to put up with in the sake of helping me? You shouldn’t want to put up with… You have put up with less for yourself. So why, for me? Especially so, when I couldn’t help you?

Especially so, when memories that were supposed to be sacred to you and Alma alone, I saw, too?You, of all people, should want nothing to do with me.

[He's grinding his fucking teeth. Does he really have to say it? He's tired, he needs to depression meditate and depression nap and depression die. Jesus Christ.

Kanda sits forward with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his forehead for a moment.]

You really can't take the fucking hint, huh.

[Well, Kanda, that's less his fault and more yours for being impossible to read.

He sits up, looking Allen in the eye. Why do you look cornered? You're the one against the door, Kanda is halfway across the room sitting down in bed.]

It's because I care about your stupid arse, alright?

…?????

Huh???

What?

Are you just trying to get me to leave? What the Hell??? What do you mean?

My God.

[He's laying down and facing the wall, he CAN'T look at your stupid ass right now.]

You make everything goddamn difficult. Don't come in here begging for me to be honest with you [HE DIDN'T???] and then act like a prick when I am.

Okay, first of all, you should be unsurprised, because I make things difficult all the time, and that’s the entire bloody reason I’m telling you to stop trying to help. Second! Of course I’m gonna react this way! Last time we saw each other — before the Grove, I mean — you told me you DIDN’T care about me! I…

[ Huff. ]

I’m not trying to be a prick, I proper just don’t understand!

[Kanda rolls onto his back and turns his head to look at Allen, decides this is still too difficult, and stares off at the ceiling instead. ...and then puts his arm up over his eyes.

Conversations are hard.]

I'm about to stop caring about you if you keep asking questions. [Kanda PLEASE.] I was lying, okay?! Jesus Christ — being honest with you is such a goddamn fucking chore.

Also, no I fucking didn't— [KANDA PLEAAAASE] We got in a fistfight and then dropped you off at the goddamn library, at no point did I tell you I didn't care about you! I told you I was the one acting like an asshole after I asked if Mana was alive or not!

[ Incredulously, Allen slides against the door to sit down, staring at Kanda like he’s grown a second head. What do you MEAN you care about him. That’s not right. What has Allen ever done to make you care about him?! You both fight all the time?!?!?! ]

You canNOT proceed “I never told you I didn’t care about you” with fucking “we got in a fist fight”!!! Do you realize how bonkers mad you sound?! And you DID say that! I asked you “I thought you weren’t interested in me” and you replied “I don’t”!!!!!! I remember that! Just because you forgot isn’t my bloody fault!

We always get in fucking fist fights! In case you forgot your brief soiree into my goddamn skull, Alma and I did too!

[He's sitting up on his elbows now. This is a mature way to have a conversation, with one of them on the bed and the other one against the door, yep. Normal people have discussions like this.]

That was a while ago! And I was still lying because you make everything so difficult! I came back to the Order for your stupid ass because I have a fucking guilty conscience over everything you did for me, I wouldn't feel that way about someone I don't like!

[you guys,

what are you fucking arguing about]

That was not “a while ago” that was like a week ago!!!! And— I don’t want you to force yourself to care about me because you feel guilty! I don’t want you feeling guilty at all! If I wasn’t around, they wouldn’t have tried to get in your head! None if that would’ve happened to begin with! You don’t have anything to feel guilt about, and— That’s such a stupid fucking mindset to have! I didn’t even do anything to- If I really wanted you to feel guilty about anything, I would’ve-

[ Whoa. Cool it, Allen. Not a road you want. He stammers a bit. ]

I- You-

…

You’re so fucking stupid! An idiot! How are you this dumb?! [ Eloquent. ]

[Kanda suddenly sits up fully and pitches his pillow at Allen like a fastball. If it weren't a pillow, it might do some actual damage with how fast it flies.]

You fucking dumbass! If you weren't there, they still would've gotten into my head! They fucking kidnapped me when you weren't there to begin with! If you weren't there at the end, the Order would've recovered Alma's body for a third fucking time and I'd be dead! You're the reason I'm still fucking here! You're the reason I got a last goodbye!

[Crashout four is happening. Yay, hooray, that didn't take long.]

I'm not being forced into anything! [Deep breaths. Kanda, half out of bed like he might throw something else, finally sits back down.] I'm the reason the Fourteenth awoke in you at all, when I stabbed you. Everyone at the Order is well aware because the goddamn Noah felt the need to announce it to everyone. Tim died while he was with me, when I should have been able to protect him. Instead, he saved my ass by turning my golem back on and alerting the Order to where I was.

I wasn't going to talk about it with you because you had your own problems, and I don't like talking about mine. I'm not burdening you with the shit going on in my head when you've already saved my ass and I'm trying to save yours.

[ Allen stands himself after having the pillow thrown at him, picking it right back up and chucking it back after he hears the bullshit Kanda spouts at him. Like, seriously, does he hear himself?! ]

The Noah are goddamned liars!!!! You didn’t wake Nea up! I did! Or did you forget when the Sword of Exorcism hurt me because [ Allen almost rips his shirt with how hard he tugs his collar aside, showing off the gnarly scar on his shoulder. He doesn’t need to show off more. Kanda knows how far down it goes. ] I can’t! You didn’t know Tim could die! I didn’t, either! How the fuck is that your fault?! That, again, is my fault, for not telling you about Apocryphos, and the bullshit he’s capable of!

You’re daft in the fucking head, Kanda! You’ve never done anything wrong, yet you’ve somehow convinced yourself with this imaginary fucking list of things you need to repent for! You don’t need repentance, dumbarse!!! You need a bloody break, and you need to stop helping me like it’s your chore.

Only do that shit for your friends! Maybe you’ll fucking smile for once if you do!

[The pillow is caught and being tossed right fucking back. We are now playing a rousing game of Sport with it, apparently.]

You are my friend!

[Ugh.

Admitting things is... hard. But it's out. He's screamed it. Can't take it back now.]

It's not a goddamn chore. Stop treating yourself like you're some fucking project that the rest of us force ourselves to work on.

[ Allen’s face was already very mildly red from yelling, but it increases in intensity the second Kanda calls him a friend. He’s stunned enough to not even put his hands up to grab the pillow. It just bops him in the face and falls uselessly on the floor. His brows knit together as the gears in his head grind to a halt.

…

????? What.

…

Allen realizes his breathing has picked up, perhaps from getting so heated at Kanda, but he’s only noticed because it’s suddenly the only thing he can hear in the silence. He waits for him to calm down a little, and finally starts to makes his way over to the bed. ]

…Stand up, arsehole.

…

I know you don’t like to be touched, but you’re getting a fucking hug.

[Ugh. If it's Allen then it's... fine, he thinks. Not like this will kill him or anything (it might kill him).

Kanda hesitates for a moment, sighs when he knows better than to back down from this, and stands.]

Why do I have to be standing for a hug in the first place?

Because leaning down to hug you is weird, hugging you from the side is stupid, and the only alternative to both of those is sitting in your lap, which I assume you know is out of the question.

[ Anyway, Kanda is getting said hug. It's not slow or gentle, either. Pretty much the moment he stands, Allen is tossing his arms around Kanda and squeezing him, leaning most of his body weight into him. Which... despite how muscular the boy is, is still not a lot of weight. ]

I didn't ask you to sit in my fucking lap—?!

[Don't! Say that! He doesn't want you in his lap (he super wants you in his lap) that's a WEIRD fucking thing to say!

Ugh. He really hasn't hugged anyone since Johnny fucking tackled him, and before that it was Alma... Allen is so small. Small and squeezy. Kanda... can't help it, he wraps his arms around Allen after a slow moment because he's SOFT.

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.]

...feeling better? [your chin is on top of his head?]

Mmh.

[ Much! Turns out physical affection is how to calm down your Allens. They need at least one hug a month or they will wither and die. Please care for your Allens. This is a PSA. ]

You're so tense. It's okay to relax sometimes.

I relax when I meditate.

[Kanda, please, your back. Your back cannot handle this. Please be normal.]

[ He lets go here, and looks up at Kanda with a much softer expression. His cheeks are still a bit flushed, but he'll blame that on the shouting. ]

Oh, there's a bathhouse! I imagine it works a little bit like a hot spring? Maybe that'll help you relax. I've been meaning to try it out!

[300k words mutual pining]

I... guess I could use one. I've been in the woods for two days.

[He thinks two days. It's probably two days.]

...fine.

Brilliant~! I'll go grab some clothes, and Timcanpy! They probably have towels there already?

[ He turns on his heel and gives Kanda a little wave. ]

You get ready, too.

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